Sometimes, when I read the various blogs I subscribe to or scroll through my Facebook and Instagram feeds, I wonder how everybody but me manages to make everything work all of the time. I realize that's not the case, but it is easy to be caught up in the perfection projected by so many on social media.
Where are the posts about the days that just don't work?
Because I could use one of those right now to let me know that I'm not the only one who is having a hard time keeping it all together.
Don't get me wrong... I love my kids and I love my school and colleagues. My struggle right now has nothing to do with them and everything with me. Each day when I sit in my room after the kids have gone and reflect on the day, I am left with the feeling that something's just not right. I can't figure out what that thing is, but I can feel it.
Maybe it's the fact that last year at this time, I was running on pure adrenaline. I was learning so much as I went that I barely had time to think about how things were going. Maybe it's also the fact that it's easy to forget what the beginning of the school year is like - I remember how smoothly everything ran in late May but not necessarily all of the hard work it took to get there.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm hard on myself. I know what I do MATTERS, that I have a huge responsibility to do the very best every day for the kids in my class. I don't cut myself much slack, and I don't really like to ask for help, even when I know that I should.
So here I am, staring week four of the school year in the face, and I'm wondering when I'm going to hit my groove. It'll come... I know. And if it's like past years, there will be a moment when everything just clicks and I'll be on my way.
And next year, when I'm thinking about how hard the beginning of the school year is, I can look back and read this and remember that I've been here before.